Weak
by pandorabox82
Summary: Erin had thought herself stronger than lure of her cravings, until she finds herself dealing with the fallout of losing her best friend. Taking that step off the precipice leads her to becoming, in her eyes, weak, but it is only then that she allows Penelope Garcia to help her find her balance once more.


It started out innocently enough. Erin looked up at the ping of a new Facebook message and saw that her friend, Mary, had written her. An uneasy sense of nervousness filled her stomach and she clicked on the on the conversation bubbles to bring up the conversation.

_Hey, I missed chatting with you last night? Is something up?_

Erin thought back to rehearsal the previous evening. It had been a shock to see her best friend and the woman who was slowly coming between them locked in a deep conversation while she approached her section. As she had sat down in her normal spot, with the other third clarinets, the director had approached her and said that she would now be playing second, since they had a new member.

Dread had filled the pit of her stomach as those words sunk into her mind. That, that, _woman_ was now invading the one place that Mary and her had that was just theirs. Never mind that she had also horned in on their Bible study on Wednesday afternoons and choir at church, she now had to take this from her as well. Sighing, she thought of what she was say to the woman she had known for twenty five years. "Sorry, I hate your new BFF? You have such poor judgment here?" she murmured aloud, staring at the words on the screen.

_I missed chatting with you last night, too. It's just that you took off with Kathy and I never got a chance to catch you. :)_

It didn't take long for Mary to respond, and her heart clenched a little at what she wrote. _Well, we all can chat, can't we?_

The reply was so passive aggressive, like Mary was blaming her for not wanting to talk to that woman. And she couldn't tell Mary why she didn't trust Kathy, that she never could trust someone who dabbled in arm chair psychology, like that woman did. It bothered her that she only had a degree in social work and yet still tried to diagnose various members of the church with different mental health issues. Erin's own Ph.D. degree in psychology told her the woman was full of bunk, but Mary didn't want to hear that. And she hadn't wanted to push her away.

_No, not when I wanted to discuss something of a personal nature with you._

Erin's heart was pounding as she sent those words shooting over the transom. It was the most honest she could be with Mary, and still, it hurt, immensely. Mary's quick reply didn't help things either. _Well, I think we should talk about the elephant in the room. Don't you think I've noticed how cold and aloof you are to Kathy? Don't you think that has hurt me? My soul is damaged by all this anger directed to her and I cannot be around things that damage me like that, especially not when my walk with the Lord is so strengthened by Kathy._

If Mary had plunged a dagger into Erin's heart it would have hurt less than those words. Bitter tears stung her eyes as she stared at the accusation fairly shouting at her. _I don't trust her, I can't help that. You know I love you, right?_

It took her friend a little longer to reply that time. _Be that as it may, I need to do what's best for me, and I don't think that being friends with you is what's best for me. I'm sorry._

Erin couldn't see the words well, she was crying too hard. Pushing back from her desk, she stood and went over to sofa, pulling off the middle cushion and fishing between the slit she had cut there, taking out her one remaining bottle of bourbon. "I'm sorry, God. I just need to forget that whole conversation for a little while. We'll pick things back up tomorrow?" she whispered, looking at the ceiling. "I just can't do this anymore."

She cracked the seal on the bottle and breathed in the heady scent of forbidden fruit. It had been more than a year since she had even thought of alcohol, and here she was, about to throw it all away. Hesitantly, she tipped the bottle up to her lips and sipped at the liquor, shuddering as it burned its way down her throat.

Replacing the cushion, she sat heavily and cradled the bottle in her hands, staring ahead at nothing. She took another slug from the bottle and felt the burn lessen already, the taste becoming smoother as it slid down her throat. "Chief Strauss?"  
She felt her eyes widen as she recognized the voice addressing her. "Yes, Ms. Garcia?" she asked, hearing the slur in her voice and hating herself for it. The woman stepped into her office and shut the door, sighing deeply. The disappointed sound hurt her heart almost as much as Mary's dissolution of their friendship and she began to cry once more.

"I was just coming to ask you if you had those files ready for me to copy in the system," she said softly as she sat next to her, throwing an arm around her shoulder even as she grabbed the bottle from her limp hands. "There's not so much gone here, just a few swallows. But that's enough to reset all your progress, isn't it?"

Erin nodded as she curled up against the woman's warm body, seeking out the comfort she brought. A harsh clink told her that she had set the bottle on her coffee table, and then she was wrapping her up in a tight hug, letting her sob and sob. Erin cried for everything she had just lost and thrown away, and still, Ms. Garcia just rubbed her back, murmuring nonsense words in her ear in an effort to comfort her.

"What is wrong, Erin?" She didn't even flinch at the use of her given name, just burrowing closer to the woman as she shrugged and half-heartedly motioned to the computer. "Do I need to ruin someone's credit?"  
She shook her head before uttering a pathetic, "No."

"Then what do you need me to do?"

There was something so sweet and kind about the way she asked that, and Erin felt comfortable enough to pull back a little and look at the woman's face. "Would you listen to me rant and rail about how I've just lost my best, my only, friend in this world?"

"Oh, my dear, sweet, Erin." Penelope smoothed her hair gently and she shuddered once more, wishing desperately that it was Mary who was holding her, telling her that everything was going to be fine. Only that wasn't her reality anymore, she had to face that and the sooner she did that, the sooner she could move on. "Tell me."

"There's not much to tell, I guess. When I went into rehab, a new woman joined our church and glommed onto my best friend, Mary. By the time I got out and noticed that things had changed between us, it was too late. She just wrote me and told me that I damage her soul."

A harsh hiccup interrupted her words and then she felt Penelope's lips brush against her forehead. The tender gesture stilled her tears and she curled her hand into the soft sweater she was wearing, trying to find her equilibrium. "Are you sure you don't want me to destroy? I totally can, with just a few keystrokes."

"What good would that do, in the scheme of things? I don't want to destroy her, not really, I just want the pain to stop. My heart broke the moment I read those words, you know." Erin pulled back to look into Penelope's eyes and saw that she was crying as well, mascara running down her cheeks. Reaching up, she wiped at the tracks and sighed disconsolately. "You don't need to cry over me, I swear. I'm just so weak."

"I don't think you're weak at all. I think your former best friend is a bitch, plain and simple." A gentle smile spread across her face. "Would you go like out for ice cream? I always find myself wanting ice cream at a time like this."

"What about the bottle?"

"This silly thing? I hardly count two sips as a detrimental stumbling block. Everyone slips when they're trying to overcome an addiction. And I won't tell anyone about this, if you promise to come to me each time you feel like you're slipping. Okay?"

Penelope was asking her to trust her. Something she didn't have in abundant supply these days, and yet, there was something about her that said it would be okay, that she could let her guard down for an eternity around her. "All right, I promise." They locked eyes and she tried to smile at her, failing miserably as her lower lip trembled and she started to cry once more.

"And I promise you that I won't betray you like that. If we grow to be close friends, I will never treat you as lightly as that, throw away a friendship over someone else. There's room in my heart for everyone."

"Even if I caused this by not liking Kathy? Even if I hate her for what she stole from me?"

"Especially because of that. If this woman separated you from your best friend in such a short time, you have every right to be angry, to hold enmity in your heart, though we're going to work on that, so that she doesn't hold such power over you." She softly chucked her under her chin, smiling a little wider. "We are not going to let her steal your joy, my dear. You cannot let her do that to you."

Hesitantly, she nodded and they stood together. Penelope went to the sink in her office and quickly poured the rest of the bottle out and then threw the bottle in the trash. "If you're ready to head out, I am. I'll just need to grab my coat and purse."

Erin felt the first true smile of the day spread across her face. "Do you want to take my car?"

"That would be lovely, Erin. You know, I think we are going to be great friends."

"Somehow, I have the same feeling, Penelope." They took a deep breath at the same time, and the other woman burst into giggles as they exited the office. And she could feel, deep in her bones, that she was right. A new friendship was waiting for her, right beneath her nose, and all she had had to be was a little weak to find it.


End file.
